Sunday is the biggest day of the year in America. Period. And that’s okay. Even if you’re not watching the Super Bowl you know
you’re not watching the Super Bowl. You’re willfully not watching the Super Bowl – and that’s something. The National Football League is an incredibly interesting institution. Like its corrupt cousin FIFA, the NFL seems like a bunch of old rich guys who shuffle the rules and regulations of their league to their whims/advantages. And it is. The NFL and Roger Goodell have had a spectacularly bad year – PR wise; and all that bad PR has not slowed down the game’s popularity a bit. The NFL is a gargantuan money-maker, and cultural water-cooler. It is uniquely flawed and uniquely American. Football is our sport. The Super Bowl is our game. This weird patriotism sneaks its way into the hearts of even the worst cynics this coming Sunday, and even those who don’t know or understand the players, the uniforms, the rules, or the stakes – even they will be watching, and more importantly, rooting. What follows is a completely subjective glance at the two teams playing on Sunday: the Seattle Seahawks, and the New England Patriots. I don’t have a dog in the fight, my fantasy team and Andrew Luck were the closest I had to real rooting interests this NFL season, so I’m going to put down some observations and opinions about these guys, and we’ll see where we come out. Analysts say a lot of things (most of them incorrectly), but this is apparently going to be a very good, very close Super Bowl (Vegas thinks so, just check the spread). Who are you going to root for? These things are always more fun when you’re rooting for someone. We’ll start with the Pats… Root for the New England Patriots if you…
Are really into high-fives.
Respect that Tom Brady really does have everything and are okay with it and, subsequently, know he’s propping up men everywhere by killing the game
. Love watching full grown men get “thrown out of the club.”
Think the old saying, “If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying,” is totally legitimate. Prefer your sweatshirts with cut-off sleeves. Think Gregg Popovich and Bill Belichick are brothers separated at birth
just trying to make their way back home. Live in Boston OR have never been to Boston. Don’t know/care who the Bruins, Celtics, or Red Sox are. List Good Will Hunting as your favorite movie
of all time. Think the most entertaining player in the game is Rob Gronkowski. Are obsessed with the talk of “dynasties” and think “Greatest of All Time” lists are an absolute necessity to being a great sports fan. Have a pair of UGGs for Men.
Hate Starbucks. Root for the Seattle Seahawks if you…
Love Skittles more than any other candy. Think Chris Pratt
is the best, should be the next Indiana Jones, and that Guardians of the Galaxy was the best thing since the wheel/fire. Have a thing for rain. Think Two Chainz is the best rapper alive. Marshawn. Think PEDs shouldn’t count as cheating. Don’t know what a “PED” is. Know what’s happening right here.
Think Starbucks breakfast sandwiches are underrated. Marshawn. Think Russell Wilson is “a really good guy,” and therefore deserves to win. Think “The Legion of Boom” is the coolest nickname in sports – for anything. Think second best nickname in sports is “Beast Mode.” Had a Macklemore phase. Marshawn. Marshawn. Marshawn. Know that Marshawn > Gronk. Are a hipster. And there you have it:
fool-proof rooting interests for both squads. As evidenced, I will be rooting for the Seahawks because of one man, one myth, one legend… I’m talking about Marshawn Lynch ya’ll.
This is a video of Marshawn telling the world what it’s like to party at Applebee’s
in Buffalo, New York. It’s a national treasure; same as he. You’re welcome, and enjoy the game. cc image courtesy WEBN-TV via Flickr